( ...... )

How much did he persist on this point?

( About not being anything to Mishka. Syrlya has needled this near half a dozen times by now. )

( :thinking: )

... To be plain, he speaks with such violence I would not expect him to take barbs returned to him so earnestly.

( He leans back. )

I know I seem quite sociable now, but I never was very warm, either. ( In his perspective, granted. ) He begrudged that I no longer was cold to him, so I gave him cold.

( A beat. )

Though I will confess it was colored some by irritation... given he has not taken our past actions as occasional enemies so personally, I did not imagine this would be different.

( Hmm. While Mishka doesn't generally make his emotions accessible on his face, there is a kind of air about him, like someone who's kind of Understood Something. )

... Really, I did not expect that tenderness to be oriented toward me. Our relationship remained relatively professional in Ostoya, even if that may have primarily been by necessity.

( He'll grant that. If Adelis cares that much about his opinion, then maybe, under different circumstances, their exchanges would have gone... somewhere. He doesn't know where. )

That I gave up my life in exchange for a moment more of his is still strange to me. This is no insult to Adelis; I simply... have always wanted to survive.

( And yet, there he went, doing the one thing he'd been staving off his entire life; giving up his life, his self, he'd killed so many to protect; and for what? Why? )

( "Either," hm.

He lifts a hand to press his fingers to the back of his neck, lightly running his fingers along the brand there. )

... He is the only one I've mentored who has exceeded my expectations. Still... from the onset, his goal was to leave Ostoya, and I could never leave.

( He really doesn't know how he feels about being named as someone who cares about Adelis. Of course he acknowledges he's fond of him, but it feels different and discomfiting when someone else says it; as if they've found some vulnerability of his; as if it can't now be taken back, or become again ambiguous. )

Even if circumstances had permitted a rich exploration of feeling... Why attach to someone who is meant to leave soon enough?

( So maybe he was projecting... a little... about not getting attached to a dead man... )

(

? )

Pardon?

... Adelis disclosed to you that he... loves me?

( He says this name with some emphasis to clarify whom and what they were talking about. Given the slight doubt in his voice, there's this underlying implication that he's expecting Syrlya to clarify he's referring to platonic love, which would still be strange to hear of Adelis, but would at least be within some realm of probability, however obscure.

It's pretty apparent that he skips past himself being the possible subject, despite him being the topic just moments prior. )

( Hm.

Mishka can generally take wild accusations without flinching, but this one is strange because it echoes something that had been mentioned to him prior. He had tried to set it on the shelf, and now it's come to trouble him again.

Knock knock, knock knock, on the shut doors of his heart. )

... Do I seem like I love him?

( Mishka looks uncharacteristically uncomfortable. This is a vulnerability of the highest degree, to entertain the idea instead of shutting it down completely. )

( OKAY... BUT... PLATONICALLY THOUGH...

Mishka goes quiet for a little longer than he has thus far. While he might usually have some argument, it's a little bit difficult to rationalize the whole self-sacrifice bit, given he hasn't yet been able to rationalize it to himself despite great effort. )

... Even if you may interpret it as such, this would be abnormal and repulsive. Regardless, if Adelis is off-put by my amicable treatment, I can only imagine how discomfiting the idea of love must be to him. I would certainly hope that he hasn't interpreted my gesture as such.

( A part of him knows these are just excuses. But if caring for Adelis is a vulnerability, then love is a gaping hole that rends the body near in two.

For the first time in a long time, he feels sick. )

...

Very well. I will speak to him, but not on love. Does this satisfy you?

( Bluntly: )

While I appreciate that you would speak on Adelis's behalf, I don't expect you're in much position to tell me what I must and must not apologize for in such a manner.

( He has been exceptionally patient with it, but Syrlya's attitude on certain matters does grate. He understands his bias, but he would be pleased if Syrlya learned to curb his tongue on occasion.

Adelis can get away with a lot, and he's generally been pretty patient in Crescent View, but he thinks he's more patient than is really warranted. )

I don't intend to describe how I feel to him. I am not a kind person, frankly. I can convince myself that the idea of closure has merit, but even if I were to convince myself of love, it would only be worse.

( He rests his cheek on his knuckles, his elbow on the arm. )

I will reassure him I do not care nothing for him, though, if that is your foremost concern.

( This time, it's Mishka who raises a brow. )

You'd had a disagreement with Trahearne during the auction, did you not?

( "Disagreement." )

( He's realizing this will require proper context. )

... I don't know at which point this occurred, but Trahearne was the highest bid on your application. After your conversation, I assumed he would wilt under whatever remained of the rays of your ire.

I'd left the bidding be until the last moment, but no one bid over him. And so I did.